The Joy of Playing trills in obscurity 

I still think Beethoven's Diabelli Variations are the greatest and funniest diss tracks of all time.

Giuseppe Verdi’s Don Carlos, or Joe Green’s Mr. Carlos

 

You're so vain you probably think these all-combinatorial hexachords are about you.

If I was in an orchestra, I'd always play the oboe/English horn part from Seal's Kiss from a Rose during tuning and intermission.

 

“Paul, I know you said Bach was a great composer, but I have a friend at school who said Willie Nelson is the greatest composer ever... and my friend plays drums with jazz brushes.” - student, 7

 

I like how intentionally dumb and trite Mozart can be at times for the sake of the whole composition and also the audience.

 

I want to write an essay on modernist composers obsessed with [0146] all-interval tetrachords and show how some tried so desperately to avoid allusions to blues/popular music in their works, even though 0146 is imbedded in the blues scale. My favorite is when the attempt goes too far and they break away from a developed, formulated compositional scheme and the music and focus kinda falls apart. You don’t fool me, scaredy britches.

 

My music dream is to write a version of The Aristocrats joke for narrator and orchestra. Use cheap virtual instruments and play it at an open mic in town.

Every time listening to Phil Collins Greatest Hits I'm thinking awww this sucks, then Easy Lover comes on and I'm ok.

 

Just so you know, play Beastie Boys’ Sabotage vocals around 1/4 speed and it syncs well with Barber’s Adagio for Strings.

 

I just can’t quit you, Arnold Schoenberg. I don’t even like listening to you most of the time and you’re still one of my favorite composers. I even find it difficult listening to others without also considering them through your prism. I discovered through you that I don’t have to necessarily enjoy something/someone to consider them good.

 

I like how Mozart wrote music with poop and sex jokes and was a better musician than all of us.

 

Sometimes for me it doesn’t get any better than Wagner operas before the singing starts.

 

The cover for Billy Joel's album of solo piano music looks like a score published by Schirmer, but I think it would’ve been cooler and funnier going Universal Edition all lower case and traumatized post ww2 style.

 

I love when old tv sitcoms shortened their opening credits for later seasons/reruns for the extra 15 seconds of commercial revenue. Remember how the Full House theme awkwardly cuts from mid verse to the ahhhhh transition to chorus? It still gives me joy how triumphantly shitty it is.

 

I have fun occasionally updating composer essays/letters to everyday speech like people do with the bible. Then I started Arnold Schoenberg's In Memoriam to Mahler but written in the style of Samuel L Jackson's Jules from Pulp Fiction. Now I want to make a book of this stuff, maybe a chapter of that one letter written by different people. The original actually begins "Gustav Mahler was a saint," so Wes Mantooth in Anchorman was my first thought.

A lot of country pop singers sound like they hired the dialect coach from the Cold Mountain movie. I’ve never heard that accent in the wild, whatever it is.

 

Whenever hearing Sublime's 'What I Got' I weigh the pros and cons of after singing “I can play the guitar like a mutha fuckin' riot” he instead just played something shitty.

 

I loved geography almanacs as a kid but wasn’t remotely prepared that Christmas for the frustration and ultimate disappointment attempting to locate Orient Are.

 

Whoa it’s Charles Ives on tv uh no it’s just a Hobby Lobby commercial with some old guy talking about celebrating the true spirit of Christmas.

 

I read that Rachmaninoff wrote his C-minor piano concerto no. 2 to get himself out of depression, but honestly I'll sometimes just sit around and sing the gloomy opening melody altered to C major and it brings me joy.

 

Sometimes I just sit around and think about all possibilities for the secret chord that David pleased the Lord with.

 

I've recently been reading a lot about frogs and toads, which for some reason lowers my anxiety. I think it's pretty cool that the Hairy Frog (also known as the Wolverine or Horror Frog) sometimes intentionally break its bones to make claws for defense. Brings me joy imagining a frog thinking, 'Yeah, just you wait. Gonna break these toes, rest a bit, and then the pond's all mine.’

 

I miss watching music videos with burning trash cans.

 

I can't see a "Semper Fi" bumper sticker without thinking "Always F#." Ear Training 4 Life.

 

I always seem to confuse Brahms, Karl Marx, and God from Monty Python and the Holy Grail.

 

Music critics praising performances by using the words "rawness and authenticity" probably don't go to a lot of flute and oboe shows.

 

The local classical radio host went from Yuja Wang playing Rachmaninoff's 2nd concerto to some dude's opus 1 recorder piece. You just know he was like, "They'll never see this shit coming." Baller.

There’s a place up here that sells music instruments and guns. I’d love to be looking at the pistols and ask how much for this flute.​